It has taken me some time to write my first post because, truthfully, I wasn’t sure where to start. This isn’t the first time I’ve had an author website, and there’s a reason for that, but it isn’t rooted in warm feelings or great successes. In recognition of my mistakes, I believe I will kick things off with a nod to my most embarrassing and emotionally difficult failure.
My first book was intentionally written to provoke big feelings. I knew there would be people who didn’t like it simply because the topic was heavy, and the politics were front and center. I write like that often, and I am more than okay with irritating the far right, as I disagree with such a cynical, frightful view of the world.
That being said, some of the rhetorical choices I made in my debut novel actually irked the very communities I intended to uplift through the narrative. This happened for a number of reasons, one being my own naivety and unwillingness to come out of the closet at the time. Additionally, I adapted the novel from a very popular fan fiction I’d crafted on AO3, but failed to anticipate the poor reception when I made the characters my own – it lacked the background and pre-existing love for the protagonists that strengthened the fic. Lastly, in retrospect, I’ve come to realize that I marketed it in the romance genre, but it wasn’t that at all. It was absolutely a piece of political fiction with a love story on the fringe.
Since this happened, my life has changed in many ways. I’ve accepted that I am bisexual and genderqueer, which I’ve confessed to the people who matter in my life, and own it on my social media platforms. This has helped me to not only embrace who I am in a way that has dramatically improved my mental health, but it has also given me the blessings of a much-needed queer community and a better understanding of some tropes in fiction that should probably be either avoided or handled more carefully than I did in my first book. The narrative mistakes I made were primarily due to ignorance and disconnection, something I can own, and I’m happy to say I’ve taken many steps to rectify.
Another thing that has changed is my overall ability to craft an effective narrative. My first book was a hot mess. I had too many political arguments, too many characters, and a terrible lack of focus. I stand by the political points I aimed to make – that in the U.S., we always try to cast blame on bullies or the opposing party for our epidemic of mass shootings, rather than focusing on the humans involved, or the shockingly high amount of available guns at the heart of the issue. I intended to critique the media, partisan circus, and I believe, at its core, that’s precisely what the book did. Nonetheless, I’ve since attended college, earned a degree in English, and have a much better understanding of the importance of two things: knowing your audience and writing in a focused, intentional way to them.
I don’t say this to act like I’m above the mistakes I’ve made. I think, mostly, I just want to acknowledge them. These days, it seems people are called out and given little chance to recover, learn, and grow. Assumptions are made. Accusations are hurled. Things get messy, and scary, and clumsy. I am grateful to be a small, independent writer who has been given the opportunity and space to listen and adapt. I’m thankful I had the chance to write the flawed things I did because they were cathartic and helped me come to terms with my identity. I hope that I do a better job at honoring the LGBTQ+ community these days because I am a part of it, and I think we are such beautiful human beings, every last one of us.
With everything I write, I aim to underscore our humanity and worth. Always. That is something that hasn’t changed.
Still, I am nervous for the upcoming launch of my latest book. It’s political. It’s queer. It’s written in a genre that conservative, straight men typically laud. It might be a total flop, it might get a bunch of one-star reviews from prejudiced people, or hey, who knows, maybe it’ll find the right people and give them a little bit of fire in their gut against the authoritarian impulses we’re getting battered with harder and harder every day in the United States.
The future is vast and uncertain.
I’m not sure what the point of starting here was, but I know it’s the way I needed to do it. I am imperfect, and that’s a universal truth worth acknowledging. Maybe this will help someone else on their writing journey navigate a failure or cope with it when it comes. Or maybe I’m just blustering.
Our brains are incredibly adaptable.
It’s an advantage and a blessing when you can keep an open mind.
~ Kaycee
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