So many things have changed so quickly over the last few months. I’m not even quite sure where to start, so I apologize in advance if this reads like a stream of consciousness…it sort of is!
I suppose I will start with a little update about my health. I know I recently announced a bit of a writing hiatus because I was undergoing Accutane treatment…but good news! I am finished, the medication is out of my system, I’m in therapy to deal with the depression it gave me, and I’m starting to feel clear-headed again…which means I’m writing!
WOOHOOOOO!
So, that’s why I’ve been quieter on social media lately. I’ve been re-reading Holden and Zach’s story, and my, what an experience that has been! There were some weird mistakes in what I’ve got up on Inkitt, but that is most definitely because of the medication I was on. I’ve gone through and corrected it, but I haven’t posted it yet for a few reasons.
First, some things happened recently that made me really sit back and think about what I want out of all the writing I do. Largely, this has been a hobby to me…an escape, an outlet and small area of my life that helps me deal with how truly awful the things around me feel right now…and while that is beautiful, I’m also at a bit of a crossroads (at the cost of sounding like I’m in a “Holden Whitney” predictament…IYKYK). While I want to keep this area of my life fun and simple, there is also a part of me that wants to be successful…to see if I can actually get my writing into the right audience’s hands. And if I’m to do that, I think, quite frankly, I need to stop writing on Inkitt and start crafting my stories behind the scenes.
Especially with I Didn’t Write About the Wolves. Why is this so important? For one, the scope of the novel. Writing two stories side by side – the start and deterioration of a relationship in tandem with trying to heal it after it breaks – is no easy task. I need some room to experiment with the places these characters will take me without worrying that I will post a scene or direction that needs to be changed for a public audience. So far, I’m pleased with it. It’s beautiful. It’s nuanced. It’s that subtle ground that makes it feel real, and I want to keep that going, but I feel too much pressure that I’m going to take the narrative in the wrong direction for all to see.
For two, if I’m going to value myself as an author and really try to build an audience, I can’t keep writing for free. Do I want my books to be affordable and accessible? Hell yes! But, realistically, if I post all of these novels on Inkitt first, I’m sort of kicking myself in the face.
So, this leaves me considering taking the books I have on the website down in order to refine and more properly release them later. I’m still deciding how to roll this out. I don’t want to make any quick, emotional decisions at this time.
All that said, I am having an interesting experience during this behind-the-scenes editing/re-reading. I do this thing when I create characters, it happens every time. I have one of them fully fleshed, very vivid and colorful in my mind, then I craft a partner for them that I have to “find”. In The Things We Couldn’t Say, you might be surprised to know Sam was the stronger character, though as I worked my way through the rest of the series, Adam wound up being my most complex and (in my opinion) relatable. With I Was Broken Before I Got Here, it was Oliver, and with Dangling High, it was Ezra. However, I often wind up telling the story more heavily from the perspective of the “less” rounded character, which is typically exactly how I round them out. I find out who they are against the initial character, and oftentimes wind up making them much more compelling than I ever believed I could.
Which brings me to Holden. With my current work in progress, Zach was definitely the vivid character who initially came to me, but I already know that Holden’s character is ultimately the one who will undergo the most growth to reach the ending I have in mind. So, as I’ve been reading, I’ve been taking notes and figuring out what drives him, and I have to say, I think I’m making him just as compelling as Zach (and can’t wait for the next few chapters to really explore that).
It’s important in romance to have two really developed people. My most successful stories do…Adam and Oliver being especially strong examples of what I’m saying. I want that for this story. I want Holden to matter just as much as Zach to my readers. I want him to feel like that to me, too. So that’s what I’m doing.
I’m taking notes. I’m brainstorming ideas. I’m finally dialing in on how I’ll reach the ending I’ve always known this book will have.
I’m also being more serious about my writing.
I won’t lie, this journey has been stressful, odd, disorienting, and has taken me places I never expected, both good and bad. The things that have pushed on my boundaries have hurt at times, but also forced me to face necessary questions.
So, likely in the next few days, I’m going to close up shop on Inkitt and start writing behind the scenes. If you have been following me and reading Holden and Zach’s story, please don’t hesitate to comment here, or reach out on Instagram/Threads, and I will send you an epub for free when I finish the book. I don’t want to take that away from you if you’ve been interested.
I’ve accidentally brushed up against the edges of professionalism, and I didn’t plan for it. It just sort of happened.
I hope you will extend me a bit of patience and grace while I navigate this season of change.
I truly appreciate every kindness so many of you have shown me. I’ve always just thought of myself as a lonely little blue dot in a red area trying to work out my shit. It’s kind of wild that I’m in a spot where I feel so tempted to contemplate potentially being more.
And if I wind up nowhere, still just a messed-up person trying to get by…well, that’s okay, too. At least I will know I tried instead of being defeatist, which I think has been exactly what I’ve done.
Thank you for reading. I wish you the best.
<3
Kaycee
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